My Reality... My Truth... My Perception...

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. 

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,  but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not selfish, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

It does not rejoice over evil, but rejoices in the truth .

It covers all things, it has faith for all things, it hopes in all things, it endures in all things.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophecy in part.

But when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.

Now I know in part, but then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I write these words because after all these years the tears wont stop flowing because my heart and soul feel broken. For so long, too long, my whole life to be exact, I’ve tried to hide the pain and say it was all in my mind because I didn’t want to face the fact. Every time I’m faced with you, when randomly asked or on another Father’s Day, I wear a mask so my friends want ask for the truth. Truthfully speaking, the truth hurts, but I’m beyond hurting, I’m in pain. As a little girl, I thought you weren’t around because I wasn’t pretty enough and you had found a family and daughter that was much better so you ran. Later on in life, I found out that it was complicated issues I was much too young or just didn’t want to understand. I didn’t understand. I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I would write you letters. Letters pleading my case as to why I was worthy of your love. Bent on being the best, striving for perfection so that when you finally changed your mind, I’d be there waiting, the perfect daughter you wanted me to be. Constantly dealing with the thoughts of inadequacy resurfacing throughout the years and all aspects of my life. Searching for something I didn’t know I was looking for. The first time I heard ever so gently in the darkness  a male’s voice whisper “I Love You”, it was from teenaged boys trying to find their way to manhood looking for something in me I didn’t know I had. I was searching, constantly searching for some remnants of you because I was starving for your love.  I would throw myself at the thought of finding what I sought from you in them. A blind unorganized emotion I never saw controlling and driving every one of my relationships with men. Whether I over-loved or was too afraid to love enough, I was lost.  Lost in a pain and confusion buried so deep in the back of mind covered with the ashes of tears, fears, anger and insecurities. But I wore a mask so perfect that no one could detect it, I was a “smart young  girl”, so “She could make it”, but little did they know, my mind and body were aching. I was just going, not knowing. Not stopping or reflecting. Not understanding a man’s love, his unconditional love, a love for me so deep and strong only because I was Aimee, nothing more or less. A love for me because I was of him not because of what my mind or body could offer him. Never knowing a pure touch of a masculine hand, I was lost in emotions I’m still trying to sort out. Where were you?! Where are you?! All I ever needed were words of encouragement, that you loved me, and if I was patient & worked hard I would get everything I desired because I was a princess, your princess, and when given the respect I deserved, you’d relinquish your title and I would be treated as someone’s queen. I wanted you to be my king, my father. I was so angry, still fighting my wrath because  I felt like I didn’t matter. It was like I was deleted and erased in your eyes. I would cry, still cry so much that I get headaches. I try so hard to get you off of my mind but I can’t get you off of my face! I stare into the mirror trying to find traces of you every time for so long that my mind begins to race. Often these thoughts consume me and I can’t do anything but ask God to bless me because for so long love in my heart was nonexistent, my life was complicated, my family more times than not was dysfunctional. Dad I remember. I remember all the years we struggled, and me and my mom would argue words of anger we didn’t understand, and I always would pray that you would come through the doors to my rescue. Taking me to the world of all my wishes and wonders where we would love. I remember all the hours I spent working, tears I cried from boys lying, thinking that if I had you, you’d be my peace of mind, that none of these problems would exist if I had your arms around me. You were my wish, my dream, and my prayer… My fantasy. But along with my innocence, I gave away this dream. I learned that what ever will be, will be, and with all the disappointments, tears, and scars, it was hard, but I learn to forgive and forgave. But the little girl inside of me still wants her daddy badly! Battling the scared, frightened and hurting little girl afraid to be the phenomenal woman she has the potential to be when she think she’s ready. I wonder. I wonder if you know that I’m making it each day. Learning to love myself, finding God, and being educated. Trying to make a greater life for me and the world. I wonder if you know? I wonder if you’re proud? I’m going to be the best, you watch and see. And just in case you can’t hear me, I’m going to scream it so loud that the Earth shakes and the mountains of pain, confusion, and pride will get out of the way so you can see me, know that I’m here. I’m waiting with my love for you. That’s why I forgave you because my love for you is still the same. It might have gone through a transformation but it never really changed. So I promise I’m going to stop these tears, forget the pain over the years, and if I never do find you on this Earth, I’ll just keep going. And when I bear my own child, we will shower them with the love for you I stored so we can keep growing. And if one day, God permits, I look  into your eyes into my eyes, I will be content with finding the man I’ve always dreamed of.

God bless you,

Your daughter