"Some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default "
I write these words because after all these years the tears wont stop flowing because my heart and soul feel broken. For so long, too long, my whole life to be exact, I’ve tried to hide the pain and say it was all in my mind because I didn’t want to face the fact. Every time I’m faced with you, when randomly asked or on another Father’s Day, I wear a mask so my friends want ask for the truth. Truthfully speaking, the truth hurts, but I’m beyond hurting, I’m in pain. As a little girl, I thought you weren’t around because I wasn’t pretty enough and you had found a family and daughter that was much better so you ran. Later on in life, I found out that it was complicated issues I was much too young or just didn’t want to understand. I didn’t understand. I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I would write you letters. Letters pleading my case as to why I was worthy of your love. Bent on being the best, striving for perfection so that when you finally changed your mind, I’d be there waiting, the perfect daughter you wanted me to be. Constantly dealing with the thoughts of inadequacy resurfacing throughout the years and all aspects of my life. Searching for something I didn’t know I was looking for. The first time I heard ever so gently in the darkness a male’s voice whisper “I Love You”, it was from teenaged boys trying to find their way to manhood looking for something in me I didn’t know I had. I was searching, constantly searching for some remnants of you because I was starving for your love. I would throw myself at the thought of finding what I sought from you in them. A blind unorganized emotion I never saw controlling and driving every one of my relationships with men. Whether I over-loved or was too afraid to love enough, I was lost. Lost in a pain and confusion buried so deep in the back of mind covered with the ashes of tears, fears, anger and insecurities. But I wore a mask so perfect that no one could detect it, I was a “smart young girl”, so “She could make it”, but little did they know, my mind and body were aching. I was just going, not knowing. Not stopping or reflecting. Not understanding a man’s love, his unconditional love, a love for me so deep and strong only because I was Aimee, nothing more or less. A love for me because I was of him not because of what my mind or body could offer him. Never knowing a pure touch of a masculine hand, I was lost in emotions I’m still trying to sort out. Where were you?! Where are you?! All I ever needed were words of encouragement, that you loved me, and if I was patient & worked hard I would get everything I desired because I was a princess, your princess, and when given the respect I deserved, you’d relinquish your title and I would be treated as someone’s queen. I wanted you to be my king, my father. I was so angry, still fighting my wrath because I felt like I didn’t matter. It was like I was deleted and erased in your eyes. I would cry, still cry so much that I get headaches. I try so hard to get you off of my mind but I can’t get you off of my face! I stare into the mirror trying to find traces of you every time for so long that my mind begins to race. Often these thoughts consume me and I can’t do anything but ask God to bless me because for so long love in my heart was nonexistent, my life was complicated, my family more times than not was dysfunctional. Dad I remember. I remember all the years we struggled, and me and my mom would argue words of anger we didn’t understand, and I always would pray that you would come through the doors to my rescue. Taking me to the world of all my wishes and wonders where we would love. I remember all the hours I spent working, tears I cried from boys lying, thinking that if I had you, you’d be my peace of mind, that none of these problems would exist if I had your arms around me. You were my wish, my dream, and my prayer… My fantasy. But along with my innocence, I gave away this dream. I learned that what ever will be, will be, and with all the disappointments, tears, and scars, it was hard, but I learn to forgive and forgave. But the little girl inside of me still wants her daddy badly! Battling the scared, frightened and hurting little girl afraid to be the phenomenal woman she has the potential to be when she think she’s ready. I wonder. I wonder if you know that I’m making it each day. Learning to love myself, finding God, and being educated. Trying to make a greater life for me and the world. I wonder if you know? I wonder if you’re proud? I’m going to be the best, you watch and see. And just in case you can’t hear me, I’m going to scream it so loud that the Earth shakes and the mountains of pain, confusion, and pride will get out of the way so you can see me, know that I’m here. I’m waiting with my love for you. That’s why I forgave you because my love for you is still the same. It might have gone through a transformation but it never really changed. So I promise I’m going to stop these tears, forget the pain over the years, and if I never do find you on this Earth, I’ll just keep going. And when I bear my own child, we will shower them with the love for you I stored so we can keep growing. And if one day, God permits, I look into your eyes into my eyes, I will be content with finding the man I’ve always dreamed of.
What does the old school have that the youth don't have?
We have art, creativity, genuineness, authenticity. The youth today, the majority, are not seeking authenticity because the society in which they live doesn't ask them to be authentic. It asks them to be other people; to model roles. It doesn't ask them to be themselves because there's consequences to being yourself. So our young people don't be themselves and as a result, they follow whatever trend is out there. And hopefully, they follow a good trend that lasts. But if you follow a lot of these trends, they don’t last.
“When you control a man’s thinking you do not have to worry about his actions. You do not have to tell him not to stand here or go yonder. He will find his ‘proper place’ and will stay in it. You do not need to send him to the back door. He will go without being told. In fact, if there is no back door, he will cut one for his special benefit. His education makes it necessary.”—excerpt from The Mis-education of the Negro by Dr. Carter G. Woodson
“The silence is worse than all of the violence. Fear is such a weak emotion that’s why I despise it. We are scared of almost everything and scared to even tell the truth. Sometimes Im the only person I feel safe to tell it to, Im locked inside a cell in me so I know that there’s a jail in you.”—B. Railey