My Reality... My Truth... My Perception...

“Getting money” in one form or another (any lucrative job, business or illegal) has become the many people life’s goal. I remember reading in my psychology book that over the past 100 years, more people have surveyed that their life’s contentment were based on achieving some materialistic goals (i.e nice job, cars, etc.) rather than something based on family or spirituality. It’s like everyone is striving to reach wealth in the money form (materials) instead of self-actualization and finding a deeper relationships with those around them and God. We live in a society that worships money, the pursuit of happiness has been dwindled down into a pursuit of money (the American Dream is what I like to call it). Money, which is such an artificial high, is indeed the root of all evil, in my opinion. Yet that is what we are taught, so that is what we strive for, and by any means necessary I must add. I think about Drake’s “Successful” song, and how it says “I want the money. Money and the cars. Cars and the clothes. The hoes. I suppose… I just wanna be successful.” Those are the things he define having success by, well at least he suppose. Lol. But why? Why is money, cars, clothes, and “hoes” what we think will classify as “making it”? It’s all an allusion. I’m on a journey, and everything I say is only my opinion (not fact) and I’m constantly changing, learning  more and more. But as I’ve grown, I really finally understood that I (keyword: “I”) define my success as getting closer to God and spreading his love, loving my family & friends, being supportive to other that need me or underprivileged. I’m not deeply religious; however, I’m  becoming more spiritual, and these materialistic values and wants were blocking me from seeing true happiness. And this is all trial and error, my life that is, and it took me trying it my way (that is trying to find happiness in artificial attachments and accomplishments and failing horribly and being miserable because I couldn’t achieve what I thought I really wanted), but I didn’t no why I wanted those things, and thus there was no passion in my life when times got hard (like REAL hard), and I had nothing to really to turn to that was real. And I couldn’t do it anymore, I literally felt miserable, I was dying, and none of the artificial things I had surrounded myself with could save me. The majority of the things I defined myself by were artificial. I really  had little to no passion behind any of the things I defined myself by or was working for; moreover, I didn’t really even no why I was working for the things I was working for, completely loss. I had to stop, and redefine what was important to me, who I was, and what my passions in life were, and then and only then could I move forward. And even though I still face many challenges on my path to my goals and finding myself and God, this journey is way less stressful because there are substance behind my goals, there is a sincere passion behind the things and people I care about the most. My words and actions are sincere and pure, and I’m no longer afraid to just be myself and love me, and live by my own standard.  Lauryn Hill’s Unpplugged Album really helped me open my mind up to so many things and in essence, it set me free from myself. And it’s a journey, a constant battle, and I want to apologize to those who caught me in the phase changes and my ways at the times, but I realized that you can’t hold people to who they used to be if there is a sincere changed in them. It’s a lot of work to get to know myself (the real me) and to get to know God (the real God) but it’s amazing, and I’ve never been more content in my life. 

Just a sample of what goes on in my life, world, and mind: I think one of the happiest days in my life will be the day when I’ll be able to provide me and my mom a better life and see that she’s comfortable. Over the years it has always killed me to see her in so much mental distress and depression. But she has always hurt silently though, and I’ve realized that I’ve acquired that trait from her. I am my mother’s child. She never would tell us her story but she just used to lash out in anger every now and then. I know her anger and hurtful words came from a deep pain connected to events that I may never know about and/or understand. But my love for my mom is unconditional, and as I’ve grown over the years and matured I thank God for blessing me and my mom’s relationship as we have become closer. Growing up we use to beef constantly, I didn’t understand why she was the way she was if that makes sense. It was sooooooo overwhelming most days. I still vividly remember when we went months on end without gas, water, or lights. I remember she use to wake me up at 4 in the morning on a school day so we could go and get water, etc. As I play it back, it sounds like a story from a third world country but nope, it was life. It was my life. I was ashamed and hurting. And I’d go to school every single day knowing what was going on at home and some days it was just too much, I wanted to give up.  I was lost, hurting, didn’t understand why me ya know? Why I had to work so hard to just make it? But in spite of all that, the burdens and struggles we faced throughout my high school career, I still did what I had to do. I worked constantly, 15-20 hours a weeks, still tryna maintain excellent in school, tryna have some type of socially life. I felt like a failure. Like no one understood.  HOWEVER I also knew that feeling sorry for myself wasn’t gonna make it better and getting an education and going to college was the only way to make it better for us and thats exactly what I did and thats exactly what I’m doing. So fuck all the bullshit issues I think are so major now, I can’t forget where I came from. I can’t forget my mission. I don’t do this shit for myself, yall or praise. I’m just tryna make a better life for me and my family. And while doing this, I’m also trying to work on myself, my spirituality, the relationships in my life, what can I give back to the world, and how can I be a better Aimee. It’s a lot to work through, but I know it’s worth it. #thatisall

“We all need love… No matter if you didn’t have it as a child it’s never too late to get it. You don’t have to be bitter no longer. There’s somebody who’s always there who has a love that will fit you. Stop looking in men, stop looking in women for the love that you need. We need to go into the Word and get something that’s real. I ain’t out here preaching like I’m better than anybody, because I sin just like everybody else but I have a desire to be better. I’m tired of doing the same thing over and over. Because the only thing I’m doing is wearing myself down. I can’t enjoy it no more. My conscious won’t let me. So if I can help somebody else change their direction. Here I am.”